Goals
for 1984
1. To form closer communication
with David and Jenny; to really listen and care about what they are doing and
saying
2. To be a true intercessor for
Jim; to back him up often in prayer in the Spirit; to love him more and be sensitive
to his needs
3. To spend more time in the
Word and in the Spirit; to learn how to enter into that hiding, resting place
regardless of the difficult circumstances on the outside
4. To love You more Lord and
know and trust You better; not to question Your ways but allow Your work to be
accomplished in me
5. To be a more compassionate,
understanding friend to those you lead to me
Lord,
you have shown me so much these past weeks and it gives me so much assurance
and comfort. I wish I had written it all
down. I will try now to recall
highlights of what you have shown me.
I
have been so sick and physically weak these past months. Lord, I have been afraid so many times and
angry too. I have felt abandoned and so
alone. No person can know how hard it
has been – not even Jim. But You know it
all and have shown me that You were there all along. You are sovereign and have a good plan in it
all. Thank you for removing the awful
darkness.
I
remember when I was so afraid in the hospital when the fevers came and then the
spasms and no one could help me; when I felt mistreated and uncared for – I
really expected special care just because I am Yours. I was always disappointed in what You were
doing and thought You were against me.
Oh Lord, how foolish. Thank you
for forgiving me. Thank you for meeting
me that Friday morning when I was so desperate for help and comfort. You came to me in the Psalms and took that
fear and rebelliousness away. My whole
countenance changed – everyone could see it – and yet I was physically no
better. You are wonderful.
Coming
home was hard – seeing how limited I was – an invalid. Having to accept help – having to see my Jim
run ragged trying to do his work and mine.
Thank you for slowly bringing acceptance and peace in this situation –
giving me freedom to wait on Your timing and not hate myself
The
setbacks like my torn ribs and increased spasms and not being able to start
physical therapy have been disappointing.
I have grieved over all I have lost.
And yet you have taught me how my spirit is separate from my body and
circumstances – that I have a wonderful resting place in the midst of pain and
confusion. Help me hold on to that.
Thank
you for bringing me through the awful pain again and again and helping me not
to withdraw and be angry about it as I always have before. This is truly Your grace at work in my life –
not of me – I can only thank You. Yet I still am afraid at times when I am
facing new setbacks or threats of illness.
Help me fully trust You. Today I
feel like I am getting a cough and my ribs are barely healed. Oh Lord, please
deliver me, especially of the fear but be pleased also to heal me.
On
January 7th, you gave me very special promises from Your Word. You said:
“I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised. For I know the plans I have for you says the
Lord. They are plans for good and not
for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
In those days when you pray, I will listen. You will find me when you seek me if you look
for me in earnest.” “He never forgets His promises. So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.” “I will not abandon
you or fail to help you.”
On
January 9th, You told me, “I want to remind you that your strength
must come from the Lord’s mighty power within you.”
You
know how I feel about the healing service in
Thank
you for your promises on January 12th about the healing
services: “If you want to know what God
wants you to do, ask Him and He will gladly tell you for He is always ready to
give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask. Trust the Lord completely; don’t ever trust
yourself. In everything you do, put God
first and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success.”
Lord,
I want so much to hold on to what you’ve shown me. I love to enter into the Spirit where it is
so peaceful but sometimes I can’t – I am so distracted. Teach me how to enter in – to set aside the
cares of the world. Help me to be a good
intercessor. My arms are too tired so I
will write more later.
I
do have to thank you first for my Jim – he is so precious and helpful
physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I want to bless him. Help me to
be cheerful and encouraging and loving; to be always ready for him; to make up
for the physical weakness with true love and concern and companionship. He is so good. Help him see all You have done in him. Destroy the discouraging forces in his life
and set him free to love You fully; to know
Your life in him and to enter in.
I
had a down day – I want so much to enter into the Spirit and find I can’t
always do it. Jim thinks I am trying too
hard – that I need to relax more. Show
me Lord. You told me to seek You and I
want to. I know I am physically tired –
help me to always remember the difference between the physical and spiritual
that I might walk in Your victory.
Bernie
talked to Jim today about giving us Quest here so we can be members. Thank you for his friendship. It has meant so much to us. The Svelmoe’s
fixed us a glorious dinner – roast and potatoes, salads and a wonderful pumpkin
custard pie that even the kids liked.
Thank you Lord for Your people and their kindness to us. Help us to always remember that we might be
helpers when we are able.
Thanks
for Martha, Doreen, Judy, and Jane who have kept our laundry up. Thank you for helping us to receive. I pray our lives can be a blessing in return.
Thanks too for Fran, my “mother hen” who checked in today. I can always tell her how rotten I feel and
she comforts me and blesses me. I really
love her. Thanks that Jenny and Alicia
had such a good day and David and Josh did too.
I have so much to thank You for – how could I be down? But I am so very tired. Every task seems monumental. I couldn’t even shower today. Dinner has revived me plus all the resting I
did but I am still drained.
Please
bless my time with Dr. Warburton tomorrow.
Give him divine wisdom. Help me
not to look to him wrongly. I know my
real hope is only in You. Thank you for
sweet Jack Warburton though – I truly hope he knows You. Make us a real blessing to him.
I
didn’t spend much time with You today Lord.
Tonight I am very sore where my ribs were hurt. Please continue to heal them. Tomorrow I
start therapy – help them know how to help me Lord. Thank you for Dr. Warburton – he was such a
blessing today. Help me be a fighter –
to not be afraid. My reflexes were 3+
with no plantar reflexes whatever that means.
The main problem is my knees – getting them straight. Help me to work on
it Lord and to trust You for help.
Bonnie
sent the booklets on healing. I don’t
even want to read them. Oh Lord, show me
what’s true – don’t let me be afraid.
Keep me from confusion and wrong doctrine. Show me Your heart in all this so I will know
how to pray and what to do.
Thanks
for my family Lord. Thanks for a husband
who helps keep me balanced. I don’t know
what I’d do without him and his love.
Thanks for my Ernies too – they’re so cute and special. I want them to really draw close to You.
Fran’s
spaghetti was delicious – she’s such a good cook. I really pigged out on ice cream and caramel
sauce – help me to eat right. Give me
the right desires. Lord, show us if vitamins are the way to go – nutrition,
diet, etc. – it’s all so confusing. I love You Lord. I know you will help me. I want so much to bless You and others.
Lord,
show me what is right. Jim got on me
this morning and said I don’t believe You anymore – that I’m just sitting back
and letting the enemy have me. I feel
like I’ve finally been able to accept and relinquish and be at peace. Now I don’t know what to think. What do You really want for me? I know You ultimately want me well but I
don’t think I can demand that of You. I
don’t even know if I should continually beg You. You seem to be leading me into acceptance for
now and emphasis on spiritual things – getting my mind off my body and physical
things. Am I hearing You wrong? Don’t let me run from truth but don’t let me
lose my peace trying to find it. Help me
not to be afraid to read the books on healing.
I feel threatened and shaken. I
can’t bear taking a chance – giving it my all and losing. Help me to come and face the issue
unemotionally and with the guidance of the Spirit. If we should go to
Dr.
Warburton says it’s important to build lost back muscle quickly and get my
knees straightened. He says it’s the
combination of muscle weakness and knee contractures that cause MS people to be
wheelchair-bound. I am headed that way
if we don’t get it all moving. Therapy
starts today. Help me and give them
wisdom to pace me properly and give me endurance to keep up what I must.
I
do believe You can heal me and I wouldn’t even need to go through this
rehabilitation. I also believe You can
heal me through this rehabilitation and use it to build me character. I make no demands of You Lord – I want Your
perfect will and timing. Help me be at
peace and help me to expect good things from You. Help me not to be afraid of responsibility. If You should make we well, I want to serve
You well. I guess I just can’t imagine
having the energy to do it right now.
Help me remember – take one day at a time. I won’t close my mind to anything You have
for me – restore my child-like faith – my ability to hear You and do it even
when I’m afraid.
Thank
you for this opportunity to grow in You.
I expect You to resolve this conflict and make me stronger because of
it. Help me get into Your Word more.
Oh
Lord, I’m so tired of this struggle.
Last night was awful trying to get rid of the pillows under my knees –
my back and knees got beyond help. And
now I feel like my cold is acting up too.
I’m so tired of fighting to keep up my spirits – of trying to figure out
how this all works for good – of being afraid – of trying to have enough faith
to stand against it. I am so full of
self-pity today Lord – how I need You.
I
am so lonely Lord. I feel like Jim and I
are pulling away in many ways. I want to
be cheerful for him but I can’t. I feel
like I’m pulling away from You too in many ways. I can’t stand being confused – I’m too weary
to even try to figure anything out. Oh –
I wish You would come and restore me. I
do so want to be whole.
Physical
therapy will be so hard – I feel like giving up. How can I hold on to You – please don’t let
go of me - please help me. I can’t bear
the thought of another set back – please don’t try me more than I can
bear. You promised You wouldn’t.
Thank
you for Cindy and her awareness of how she needs to go slowly in physical
therapy. Thank you for the encouragement
that I can get better. Thank you for
using my article to touch Horace after all these years. Thank you for showing me that You can and
will use me and my weakness. I know I will
again praise Your goodness and I praise You now for who You are. I know You will make me happy again. But my heart is so heavy now – come quickly
Lord.
Thank
you for Shannon’s call – for renewing my spirit – for recalling what you are
teaching me – for helping me learn to trust the Spirit in me. She confirmed the path I felt You were
leading me in – one of peace and acceptance of Your sovereignty – one of
turning to the work of the Spirit and getting my eyes off deliverance of the
body as number one. I still want to be
whole – but the Spirit must come first – I must be totally abandoned to You in
my trust and totally assured of Your sovereignty. You are bringing me to that resting place
that can’t be shaken. Thank you for
testing me and helping me realize that You have given me wisdom and discernment
– even when Jim is not in full agreement.
Only I can really know where I’m at in You in the Spirit. Thank you that Jim is willing to trust my
spiritual judgment in this – for our good talk at lunch. Help me write the right things to
Bonnie. Show me what to say – anoint my
letter. I don’t want to hurt her but I
must follow Your leading as best I know how.
I
know You can heal me and I don’t have to go anywhere for You to do it. I trust Your plan for me – Your timing for my
life. I have learned that I really do
need to be filled more with Your Word – for it is health to my body and
spirit. Thank you for the friends who are
coming to see me tomorrow – and I was feeling so lonely and forgotten. I know You will continue to do a good thing
in me Lord and I want to yield and let You be glorified in me. Thank you for coming so soon.
So
much has happened – I haven’t been able to write it down. You have been so good to me Lord. Friday was so neat at lunch. Leona, Carole P, Jan A, Heather, Darcy, JJ,
and Madelyn came and we had such good fellowship. I really enjoyed it and You gave me the
chance to share what You are doing in my spirit. JJ is really hurting – help me to remember to
pray for her that she would find that inner resting place in You.
Your
Word has been so alive to me. Very
special verses on the 21st – the entire morning reading in Living
Light; John 14:2, Mal. 3:2,3, Rom 5:3-5, Heb 12:7,8,11,12. On January 22, You ministered to me from Ps
73:23-26 - especially “My health fails, my spirits droop, yet God remains! He is the strength of my heart; He is mine
forever.” This is exactly what You’ve
shown me of the separation of my spirit from my body and emotions. I may be hurt and broken and yet this is far
from spiritual defeat – it changes nothing from the perspective of spiritual
things. Praise You. Help me hold on to this truth. The readings
and poems in Streams in the Desert for January 21-24 are all special – adding
understanding to my situation.
The
greatest blessing was the sermon on Sunday – Pastor Wood confirmed all You have
been teaching me in my spirit – taking away any little doubt that could be
left. You promised to give me wisdom and
You have done that. You have spoken to
my spirit and confirmed what You have said.
You are teaching me to hear Your voice and recognize it even when well
meaning friends come against it. I must
learn to trust the Spirit in me for You are doing something different in me now
and I want to yield completely to You.
We
got the tape of the message “Help in Tight Places” which stressed God’s
purposes in allowing our trials – and using then in our lives – such a
confirmation of all You have shown me based on II Cor. 1:1-16. George even used us as examples of Your
working and being glorified through trials.
Thank you for that encouragement - that others are being blessed and
strengthened by what we are going through – surely that is a great reward. And I have Your promises for the future –
that it will be good.
I
love You Lord but I have not spent much time in prayer lately. Help me be faithful to You in every way. George wants us to speak to the church about
this time – show me when and what to say that will truly help others and help
him to realize what an important part he has had in all of this – that it is
his trial too – that he would not feel that he has nothing to say. Work out that time in your perfect timing.
Dorothy
wants me to see a nutritionist specializing in degenerative diseases. Lord, so many have come to us with ideas and
testimonies – we can’t try them all. You
must show us which, if any, You want us to do.
So far, I am leaning toward supplements.
You know how hard it is for me to commit to a diet but if that is truly
what is needed I want to be willing.
Help me Lord. Show us what to do
and provide what we need to do it – financially, emotionally, and in our
commitment. I need to know from You –
all the plans sound so good – so sure and yet You are able to heal me too apart
from all that. Show us what You want
Lord.
Help
me at therapy today – give me strength and help me pace my life. I feel like I’m too lazy and yet I have had
to rest so much out of necessity. Show
me how and when to be up and how much to do.
Help me be a cheerful blessing and companion to my sweet Jim. I feel like I haven’t nearly expressed all of
what You have done and shown me – it’s hard when days have gone by. Help me be more faithful and to write down
what You show me day by day that I might not forget anything You are showing
me.
January
25, 1984
Therapy
measurements went well yesterday. Cindy
was pleased with the amount of strength I have. My right arm and left leg are weak and my
upper back is too weak to hold me erect for more than a few minutes – we really
have to work on that. My right knee is much
better – left slightly frozen and the hamstring muscle has shifted which is why
it pops and snaps when I exercise. Cindy
wants me to concentrate on correct walking – not ape walking so I don’t get
into a habit. Also, I mustn’t walk when
my legs are bent up – could damage my knees.
Evelyn will loan us a commode so I can go to the bathroom during the
night and in the morning without walking until I am limbered up. Today I am miserably tight when trying to
walk – I guess it’s a delayed reaction to therapy. I suppose I’ll have to rest today so I am
ready for therapy tomorrow.
I
must write to Horace and I want to write to Dorothy and perhaps rewrite my
letter to Dick and Bonnie. Help me Lord
to get at least some of this done. Help
me not to eat so much and to be able to get more exercise soon. Thank you for the nice worship time Jim and I
had this morning. Help us to continue
even though it is often hard. I’m so
glad You are working my life – sometimes I feel so happy. Help me even when I can’t feel right to
remember all You are doing.
I
want so much to share You with Cindy and see her come into Your Kingdom. She is so special Lord – I really love
her. Please open her eyes to see
You. Show her her need for You. Help me be a good witness in all I say and
do. Thank you for all the prayers You
have answered – for the peace You are giving me – for the joy I have in being
with people – this is so different from last time when I hid behind closed
curtains and avoided everyone. Thank you
for this very special gift of Your grace.
Help me to be able to comfort and help others who are going through that
withdrawal and minister Your comfort to them.
Prepare
our time in church Lord – make it really special – anoint our thoughts and
words and let only You been seen – You in your ability to take weak brokenness
and bring joy and life out of it. You
are so good. It was fun talking to Evelyn and Shannon together yesterday. Evelyn was so excited about getting us
together on the phone at the same time.
Yesterday
was a good day after a hard one physically the day before. Cindy finished my testing and explained it to
me. The only part of my body that has
normal strength is my hands. My feet,
ankles and toes are very weak and are important for balance and walking. My lower back is also very weak and upper not
much better. The rest of my body has
varying degrees of weakness but not so critical. Cindy will begin resistance exercises Monday
and see how I do. It is very important
to build up my back but difficult because of continuing neurological spasms
which wear me down. I must try to sit
more and sit straight, to walk straight even though I can’t walk as far that
way. Cindy is so knowledgeable – she
continually amazes me. I want to be a
real blessing in her life. I want her to
know You Lord.
Last
night was a blessing even though I was so tired. Betty brought a wonderful meal – stuffed pork
chops, rice, broccoli, rolls, bars and ice cream. She is so sweet. Jenny liked the broccoli! I was tired and went to bed early again-
slept very well but woke at 5am with inflamed pressure points – a continuous
problem from too much lying around. I
sat up and let my back straighten out and found the spasticity much
improved. Jim and I were able to be
physically close for the first time in a long time. I love him so much. He has been so patient and kind and precious.
You
continue to make me so happy Lord even though I am still struggling
physically. I want to stay full of You –
to be able to hold on to and share the deep things You are doing in my spirit. I never want to lose this closeness – even
when my life becomes more active.
The
skin problems I am having get me down lately – I ask You to be pleased to heal
them Lord. Help strengthen my body – it
bothers me when I can’t write and have to fight spasms as I am now. You know it all Lord – teach me self-control
in all this. You are my hiding place, O
Lord. You shelter me from the
storm. Thank you for Your rest.
Thanks
for Delores – she is so sweet – it was fun to talk to her even though we
couldn’t talk very long. I really want
to get to know her better. Bless Carol
today and meet her need for Your comfort even as You have mine. I love You Lord.
“Though
my body is dying, my inner strength in the Lord is growing every
day. These troubles and sufferings of
mine are, after all, quite small and won’t last very long. Yet this short time
of distress will result in God’s richest blessing upon me forever and
ever! So I do not look at what I can see
right now, the trouble all around me, but I look forward to the joys in heaven
which I have not yet seen. The troubles
will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.” II Cor. 4:16-18
Thank
you for these promises Lord. Thank you
that I am better this morning. My morning spasticity is getting less and less. Thank you too for the commode, which enables
me to go to the bathroom at night without having to walk so far. Thanks for a special visit with Judy
yesterday. Bless her sweet spirit Lord
and give her wisdom in raising her children and in knowing Your will for her
activities. Help her find the quiet time
she needs to draw close to You. Thanks
for Hal and Evelyn’s visit. They are so
sweet and fun. Bless Evelyn with strength to talk care of her grandchildren and
draw Janice back to You. Help her make the right kind of friends.
I
can’t write much today – my right arm is spasming. Is there any kind of brace that would help me
be able to do more with my right arm? I
must remember to ask Dr. Worburton.
January
30, 1984
Church
was a real blessing yesterday. I felt
You calling me to be anointed with oil so I obeyed. I don’t know what You did but the time of
prayer was special and anointed. I don’t
ever want to presume You will work in any one way. I always want to be open to Your Spirit.
Therapy
was hard today. I woke feeling bad to
start with – back pains. Resistance
therapy is so hard – I am so totally weak.
I do feel better now – hours later, but totally drained. Help me not to be afraid to use my muscles –
not to shrink back. Give Cindy Your wisdom
in pacing me. I am so tired – maybe
dinner will revive me. Frank and Fran
are coming to talk about vitamins. Help
us make the right decisions.
Please restore my ability to sing and play the guitar that
I might worship You and lead our family in worship. Also
Lord,
forgive me for drifting away so much lately.
I need You to keep me close. I
need times of entering into Your rest.
It seems I’m so busy or tired now with therapy and trying to be up
more. I do believe I need to be up as
much as I can – to really work at building strength back into my body.
Help
me when I call Lois today – I don’t want to get into a hassle over what
supplement to take. Guide us Lord. We trust You are guiding Frank in his
involvement with nutrition and his disapproval of the orthomolecular
society. We need Your wisdom so much.
Draw
me back in sweet communion with You. But
help me take my responsibilities as I am able – don’t let me be lazy Lord.
I
am walking so much better – I feel like I am strong but as soon as I get out
and try to do things (like the Boutique with Martha yesterday) I see my
weakness. It is so hard to pace
myself. I don’t want to just sit back
and become an invalid because I am afraid of setbacks. Give me special discernment and wisdom. Show me when to start walking, driving,
etc. Help me not to worry about what
people think of me and my pace. Continue
to strengthen me. My legs seem stronger
and straighter. The mornings are
somewhat better – especially in my legs although my back and body spasms
persist. I recover quickly when I am up
though and seem to do well through the day.
My back and arms tire so easily – I really am at a loss about my arms –
I want to use them more and build up what strength is left.
I
want to go to User-11 classes next week if You will it Lord. Help me schedule that week properly. Show me how to glorify You and help others
because of all these trials. Destroy the
pride that rises up so often. Forgive me
Lord for truly every good thing that has come of this has been entirely of
You. Help me to share in a way that You
are seen – not me. You are wonderful –
worthy of all praise.
Help
my diet Lord – it’s been deteriorating.
It do want to treat my body right - help to make it strong. Teach me how to rest during the day. The times when I am so tired are always when
the kids get home and want me. Help me
rest earlier that I might have strength for them and for our evenings together.
I
need You – fill me with Your Spirit.
Empower me for this day. Grant me
the wisdom to know how to schedule my days and activities that my strength
might be restored. Help me really love
Jim more and keep my commitment to intercede for him. I do love him so – I want to show it more –
to really be a help in his life – and the Ernies too – they are so sweet.
Dr.
Holston decided to give me B-12 shots.
My talk with Lois went well and she wants to see me Sunday – I let her
know we aren’t prepared to buy any more than what Frank suggested – give us
strength and wisdom when she comes – and discernment.
Therapy
was easy – Cindy really backed off – I am okay.
She was impressed with my improved balance and straighter knees. We discussed walking outside – maybe next
week; driving – too soon to tell – maybe no good while my feet are weak and
spastic – hope we work on those soon.
As
I am planning computer classes, company (Olsons, Aunt Annette), possible Bible
study, plus therapy, Dr. appointments, dentist – I feel a little
overwhelmed. And yet I am feeling strong
enough to be getting bored with resting.
Again, I’m depending on You. I
hate to leave my sweet resting place in You – don’t let me lose it Lord.
Skip and Jackie have been special blessings – I really love them. They are sweet friends and fun to talk to. Bless them in their walk with You. Jackie has done so much to help and Skip keeps me occupied with all his wild tapes. Thanks for friends who love You. Make me a blessing to them.
Oh
Lord, things are so hard for me again. I
can’t seem to keep my mind on You and haven’t been entering Your rest. How I need You. How I need to learn to hold on to the things
You show me when Your presence is so near.
Then the wilderness comes again and I can’t find that sweet place – help
me to trust and hold on to Your truth – knowing it hasn’t changed. You have clearly shown me Your good
intentions towards me and comforted me and given me back my joy and peace. Now – when things are harder – none of that
need change. It is blessed to believe
without seeing – help me do that now Lord.
Jim
is so discouraged with the kids. They
just don’t help like they should. Help
me encourage them to be cheerful helpers.
David blew it on his grades at school – he has so little motivation and
really no study habits – help us mold him and teach him without destroying his
spirit. It is so hard Lord. We want to see him productive – are we
expecting too much from him? Give us
wisdom in dealing with laziness and over-emphasis on playing in David and
Jenny.
My
MS symptoms are somewhat flared up since I’ve been more active. I am physically stronger when I am up more
but realize I am not in remission. I am
walking a very fine line which could go either way. The added physical strength makes me want to
be up – to push for normalcy but then come the setbacks. I don’t know how to arrange my life – how I
need Your wisdom. You have helped me
deal with the limitations and pain and to accept them more than I used to but I
have to admit it crushes me when my bladder has started acting up after months
of being so good.
I
still get overwhelmed at times by the feeling that I might never be well
again. But I know someday I will have a
body – one that will never be sick again – thank you Lord. Meanwhile, help me to take good care of this
body in which Your Holy Spirit dwells.
Help me not to get angry at it – to push it too hard. But help me not to sit back and let it waste
either.
Please
bless my time out with Jim today. Lift
his spirits and make me a blessing to him Lord.
Bless my time with Lynelle and Joan later today. Help me to honor You – teach me to let You
shine through – less of me Lord – more of You.
I
love You and ask now for Your cleansing and covering of Your blood and
empowering of Your spirit for this busy day. Thank You Lord.
Later
- Therapy
went well – I am much stronger. Thank
You Lord. I don’t want to hold myself
back but I do need wisdom. I am
encouraged at the fast improvement in strength.
Jim
is so down. He is really feeling the
pressure of having to haul me and the kids around. People at work are taking advantage of this
to want time off and he feels he has to go along with it. I am so sorry to put him in such a position. Please let it all ease up soon. Help me get someone else to take me to the
dentist – maybe Skip. Help me encourage
Jim. Please bless his time with David
and Jenny tonight – they need a good time together. Help Jim not to be too negative about them –
to realize they are still children and that they have many fine qualities. Most of all, help him not to be so down on
himself. Oh Lord, I don’t want to be a
burden – to cause him to struggle. I
love Him so much. I want so much to help
him. Bring him out of this
discouragement. Bless him in his
spirit. Lift him even now and cover him
with Your precious blood.
Help
me not to get down. I pray for Your
grace to keep me through the ups and downs of my changing situation. Changes have always been hard for me and I’m
struggling to see where things fit in now as I’m getting better. Help me be more faithful to do the things I
can – that Jim wants me to do – like making prayer cards, etc… Put me in the center of Your will and light
my path – don’t let me fall Lord – it’s been a long, hard road.
Show
me when to be out of the wheel chair – help me not to depend on it longer than
I should. Forgive me when I want pity
from others – help me to be free of that wrong desire. Help me toward wholeness but let me retain
the lessons learned in weakness. Guard
my heart from pride. Make me totally
yielded to You that You are clearly seen.
I’m
feeling so down tonight. Is it just
fatigue? I don’t know Lord – I lack
motivation to do anything. I played the
piano and it hurt my ribs. I didn’t care
and kept on playing. Jim and the kids
went to the concert at the Crystal Cathedral after dinner at Denny’s. I just had protein, toast and cookies for
supper – great, huh? Maybe I should have
gone with them – I’m not really resting – just feeling unsettled. I wish I hadn’t strained my ribs – I am so
DUMB. I get tired of arranging my life
and activities around my body.
I
read all my old medical reports and saw how much my neurological deficits have
increased – why do I do that? Tonight
has been totally destructive. Forgive me
Lord. Cleanse me of all wrong
feelings. Build me up in Your Spirit.
I
get jealous of others whose lives are not on hold – I know You don’t want mine
to be on hold either – it really isn’t even though sometimes I feel that
way. I was jealous of Susie today when I
found out she goes to Dr Newton’s church and Delores is her Wednesday night
teacher. Isn’t that silly? Why do I want to hold on to people so much?
I’ve
been wondering if the protein and vitamins are causing my problems – like with
yeast or if maybe my hormones are acting up.
I’m certainly in a slump – trying to cover up but barely making it. Help me to realize that it’s okay. My spirit is not changed. I need desperately to hold onto You and Your
truth that these little troubles will not pull me down. Thank You that I can turn to You and unload
all this – I know You will see me through.
I don’t want to be a quitter Lord.
Please
come and touch my breaking heart – ease the hurting and help me accept each
phase of this without fighting for truly Your grace is all-sufficient. I need You now Lord.
“Weeping
may endure for the night but JOY cometh in the morning.” Thank You Lord.
February
4, 1984
Thank
You for Your promise to me last night. I
looked it up and found it was Psalm 30:5.
Please bless our time with Aunt Annette today. Help me with my busy week ahead – I’m wanting
to take on the house too – but I know with all my classes and therapy it isn’t
time yet – soon enough.
Thank
you for giving Jim and the kids a good time last night. Help us know what to do about tonight. Show us clearly. Please help me get rid of all the excess
fluid in my body and also this cold I seem to be fighting. Sometimes I just feel like it is all too hard
– I’m so close to making it – yet so far.
I’m well enough to want to be doing everything but not strong enough to
do it. I don’t like it at this
place. Oh Lord, forgive me and give me
grace for this place. Make me a blessing
and teach me Your secrets of being happy win this place as You did when I was
completely down. It is harder to depend
on You but I realize You are my only source of true help. Only You can help me grow with life amid the
disappointments and frustration.
I
was really put off by what Linda said to me about the body needing parts like
me to learn to help, etc. I know she
meant well but it was hard to take. Help
me not to feel wrongly towards her. Aunt
Annette’s visit was really nice. She is
so sweet. She really looked like she had
a hard year though. I’m so glad she
stopped smoking. She was really
impressed with the love of Your people.
I pray she will come to know You in a personal way.
Just
thinking about all the people here who help us makes me overwhelmed. I want to just give myself back to them. Help me to really bless them Lord. Help me to listen, encourage, and pray for
them. Show me special ways of blessing
them. Help me never to take advantage of
their help – to take on my responsibilities as soon as I am able.
Evelyn
has been such an example of a helper and has used all the strength You’ve given
her to bless others. I want to be that
way too. When I am well, should You give
me strength again, I want to share more of myself with others – even now I want
to share the things I’ve learned with those in need. What can I do to honor those who have
helped? Bless them in a very special way
Lord.
Jim
is going to Jake and Shannon’s tonight.
I wish I could go but I guess it isn’t wise at this point. Bless that meeting Lord. Bless church tomorrow. Help me know if I should go to Sunday School
too. I really feel a lot stronger. We looked at wheel chair cushions and wheel
chairs too today. Jim is leaning towards
buying a new one if I can get one at cost from Abbey. They had real nice ones for about $400 –
which would be $280 at cost. They are
real narrow – easier to handle but I would have to be sure not to get too fat
in the hips! Help us make the right
decision. We can make do with the green
one and a cushion but it needs work if we are going to be using it a lot. Fixing it up would cost at least $100 and it
is big and awkward. Show us what to do
Lord. I’m a little afraid of the real
narrow ones – even the seat is 16”. The
sides are only 14” apart – I just fit nicely but who knows years from now? We have to think ahead – maybe we should wait
on all of it and just get a cushion for the old green one.
Jim’s
shopping now and I smell the roast Annette brought cooking in the oven – a
brisket – yum! It’s a big one – should
last a few days. Judy came by for
laundry – she is so sweet and cute and dear.
I really love her. Bless her and
help her and Brian with their support needs.
I would really like to do something special for them. Thanks for giving me a good busy day – filled
with people. I am tired but it is a good
tiredness. Lord, I want You so much to
be glorified in my life – I want to yield.
I need Your constant cleansing and power to do Your will.
I’m
really rambling today. I like writing to
You – clearing my mind and having a way to express my thoughts. Aglow magazine is considering my manuscript
“Complete in Him”. It’s so neat to be
able to share a part of myself and my walk with You with so many people. Help me to write more about the deep things
You have shown me. Your lessons are
everlasting – thank you for them all.
Lord,
we lived in such discouragement this weekend.
Jim has been so down spiritually.
I am really struggling with this new physical state of increasing
strength but increased MS activity. I
don’t want to let go of my newfound strength but I don’t want to have a relapse
either. My pride has been activated
again and I have been worried about people thinking I am lazy by not taking on
my responsibilities. Lord, help me to
not care what others think as long as I am really doing right. Show me clearly what to do now. I am weary of the struggle.
This
morning You revealed wonderful things by Your Spirit during prayer. I hope Jim received these things too. I sensed Your Spirit totally leading my
prayer for Jim – revealing answers and they were for me too! Help us apply them Lord.
You
showed us our discouragement comes from listening to the enemy who would
destroy us. We must use our will to obey
You and praise You and rejoice in You as You have commanded throughout Your
Word. We must look at all the good You
have done in our lives with grateful hearts, focusing on these and genuinely
praising You for Who You are. We must
turn away from looking at our discouragements.
The enemy blinds Jim from seeing his spiritual growth. His biggest trick of deception is to make Jim
unable to see Your goodness and grace at work in him and to glorify You in
it. Therefore, he is robbed of his joy
and peace in You. Help me encourage him
and fight a spiritual battle for him through intercession. Thank You for revealing these things by Your
Spirit.
The
enemy blinds our eyes to our progress and Your good purposes and when we
listen, we focus on the negative and are unable to rejoice. Surely, praise is a sacrifice involving an
act of our will and believing in Your goodness when our feelings are
wrong. Surely this praise and adoration
and willful giving glory to You will bring us great joy and peace and cause the
enemy to flee as we resist him. Thank
you Lord Jesus. Empower us to do
this. Teach us the secret of abundant
life. Cause us to learn to use our will
to obey You even when we are tempted to discouragement. Cause us to rejoice in all things because You
have told us to, not because we feel like it.
Oh,
what a wonderful truth! No wonder You
tell us again and again to praise You.
We become so easily blinded and deceived but by obeying You we can
overcome the lies of the enemy.
Oh Lord, work in Jim now to make this real to him. Enable him to set his will to obey You and to glorify You and praise You – to focus on Your goodness and take his eyes off the failures. Open his eyes to see all You have done and are doing in him. Bring words of praise to his lips often and bring him into total victory. Thank You Lord for these truths. Make them ever so real to us as we seek You.
Help
me also to look at all You’ve done and to glorify You even when I’m struggling
with my situation. Truly my spirit can
rejoice in Your goodness even though my body suffers and I am in a tight place. As long as I have Your wisdom and guidance, I
will have grace to endure these things however long they must last. Make my desires pure and motivations pure
Lord and cause me to seek Your best for my life.
You
know the pain I have been going through and the disappointments and
frustrations. You can make them all work to refine me into a radiant jewel for
Your glory and praise. I love You
Lord. Bless this day and be seen in me.
Rejoicing
and praising and focusing on the good does not remove the pain and brokenness
our trials cause, but it allows us to endure and enables the Lord to use them
to refine us to our advantage instead of break our spirit to the enemy’s
advantage. The pain is every bit as real
and the breaking is difficult but we realize more and more the separateness of
our spirit and can actually be experiencing joy in the midst of pain and sorrow
and brokenness - how totally incomprehensible! - Mystery of God – bringing us
closer to that unshakable place in Him – that resting place – that hiding place
that overcomes the world.
Oh,
the great eternal values of these lessons learned in pain. Your Word Lord – put to the test and proven
true – not by a life of comfort and ease but by Divine Power for the
difficulties and pains of life. I would not have missed this time – may it ever
change my life.
Therapy was really hard yesterday. My back was so sore from the morning spasms so I had lots of trouble with the physical therapy. Cindy talked to me again about the importance of resting short periods and being up short periods. Phyllis and I had a nice time at lunch. She is so dear.
The
MS society said we could keep the wheelchair indefinitely if Dr. Newton writes
a prescription so we don’t need to buy one. Thank you Lord. We can get rid of
the green one. The borrowed one is
really nice and well suited for our needs.
That was a pleasant surprise.
Jackie
and I had a good sharing and prayer time today.
I love her and will miss her some much when the leave.
Thank
you for your lesson on discouragement Lord for it truly has prepared me for
this day. My heart is heavy but my
spirit rejoices in You; my emotions are in turmoil but my spirit is at peace;
my body is in pain but I have no fear.
Thank you Lord.
I
am hurting so much since therapy on Monday – my shoulder is flared up – I know
I won’t be able to write for too long as I have to use my left hand. I don’t know how I’ll get my donor letters
done. They are already late.
Dr.
Newton was really sweet today. Thank you
for him. I was jealous again about the
Lipps. Bud was so impressed with their talent and involvement in church –
Susie’s music etc. I felt like I’ve lost
all that and it hurts. I want the
opportunity to know Bud and Delores personally too. Forgive me for being
jealous – thank you for showing me that sin – cleanse me – enable me to
genuinely love your people – not to try to impress them – help me be more like
You. Work out Your best plan for our
relationship with Bud and Delores – the one that will bless them the most.
Help
me to overcome this time of weakness. I
praise You and commit it to You. Help me
rest – to do what my body needs until I am over this. Continue to use me to glorify You. Help my heart attitude to be right. You are my strength and my song Lord.
“We
are troubled on every side, but not distressed; we are perplexed but not in
despair; persecuted but not forsaken; cast down but not destroyed.” 2 Cor.
4:8,9
I
am somewhat better today after resting yesterday but I had a hard night with
intestinal spasms that made me sick and then early awakening because of my
back. And yet m heart is light today and
I am able to rejoice in You Lord. Thank you for this wonderful measure of Your
grace.
I
had a nice visit with Irma this morning. She is so fun. You have given me great
joy in Your people and I love more than ever to be with them – another act of
Your grace. I’m getting better at writing lefty – if I can just build up some
speed I won’t be so dependent on my right arm.
Maybe it is easier to slant this way … No, definitely not!
Carol
is in bed again indefinitely. Build her
up in her spirit Lord. Show me what to do about the MS support group Dr. Newton
talked about. I feel it could be discouraging for me but perhaps You could use
me to bless others there. I’d better not
write any more - save up for donor letters – too many back spasms even with my
left hand. Guess my little secret this
morning did me in.
Thanks
for Susie’s visit yesterday. I know You
arranged that. She is so cute and loveable and having such a hard time with her
pregnancy. Help me be a real positive
force in her life. Forgive me for
entertaining jealous thoughts. I see how
foolish they are when You come and fill me with Your love. I need not cry over lost talents. You can use
me to bless others even if I can’t play my instruments. I commit all of what I
am to You for use as You see fit. Forgive me for wanting to design the ways You
will use me. More of You Lord – less of
me. I love You.
Lord,
You know how heavy my heart is today. I can’t use my right arm. I have
tendonitis for the first time in months and the burning in my stomach too –
everything I eat hurts me. The
temptation to discouragement and self-pity is so strong but You have promised
me a way out Lord. I want Your way – help me be strong enough in You to take
Your way.
Thank
You for the report that all the girls at therapy see an obvious change in me –
a new radiance – all glory to You. Thanks for the nice visit with Nancy and
Fran. Thanks that Joyce and Arnie and the kids are coming. Please prepare that
time and bless it. Please use us to show
Your love and power to them.
I
need You so much. Please restore my
ability to write comfortably so I might continue this journal and also write to
others. Please help me with the pain
Lord. Sometimes I feel so worn down by it. Help me not to complain or dwell on
it. I want to dwell on Your goodness that my joy might be full. Bless our time
with Michael today. Draw him to You Lord. Heal his deep hurts.
I
had a better night last night after several bad ones. My arm is still bad. Just
doing my hair does me in – a lot of weakness and muscle cramping although the
spasticity is somewhat better. My bowels have been acting up again and that
really makes me uncomfortable. Please help my physical body Lord and begin to
strengthen me. No matter what You do, strengthen my spirit that I will
continuously praise You.
I
didn’t go to church today but I listened to Pastor Lou’s tape on praise – a
real confirmation of the things You have been speaking to my heart. And he said
how we must always tell others of the things You do and of Your greatness –
this is essential to our growth.
Forgive
me for thinking that I am suffering because I have shared so much lately. Even
if that is true that I am suffering for Your sake, then I can rejoice in that.
No, I will not be silent to avoid trouble. Surely You can be depended on to
thoroughly keep me and use all for my good.
Show
me what to do about therapy and help me to guide Cindy. Give her wisdom to help
me in the right ways. I want my arms back – it is so hard like this. You know
my pain Lord and You can remove it or make me happy and productive in it. I do
so want the freedom to write again.
I
praise You Lord and ask You to fill me with Your Spirit. Empower me anew for
this day. Make me a blessing to my family and all who come here. I know You are
doing a special thing that will make me a better servant and prepare me for
greater use in Your Spirit – not in my strength which is destined to fail. Be
close to me now as I seek You.
Lord,
help me – I am sinking. The days often seem empty and meaningless. I am better
but my arms still are weak. Jenny is sick and bored and I feel like I’m getting
a cold again. Jim will be gone 3 days next week and then Joyce comes so I have
to put off going to the dentist again. I
am walking quite well – sometimes I think I could just be normal. Am I making
myself an invalid?
Jenny
drains me – it’s hard to keep her happy and I see I am still afraid of
sickness. Please help me. This time seems endless. I don’t know how to move on.
I can’t handle Joyce’s visit if I am like this. Please come to me - rescue
Lord. I need another boost. Be pleased to deliver me. I just feel so hopeless
sometimes – I need Your help continuously.
Bedtime
– Lord I commit it all to You – to Your keeping. I know You love me. I love
You. I will continue to tell of Your greatness and unfailing mercy and grace.
Please touch Jenny quickly if it pleases You and I will praise You for it. Be
pleased also to protect us. We are Your children.
Jenny
has the flu – poor baby – she looks terrible.
Bless
our time with Hal and Evelyn tonight. They are taking us to Seacliff. Help
Jenny to feel OK while we are gone.
Mary
brought homemade éclairs today – says we should eat them today but we’ll
probably have to wait til tomorrow. She’s so sweet – she did the dishes and
visited a while. I am tired from visiting and taking care of Pooh Bear
(Jenny!). Give me strength to relax and enjoy tonight.
I’ve
had a lot of low back pain today and some leg weakness but my arms seem better
– PTL. Mom and Dad sent us a beautiful plate for our anniversary – it’s really
special. I want to call them tomorrow to
thank them. Help me at therapy tomorrow and bless my time with Jackie and
Nancy. Thank You for friends to share with.
I
am so tired – please lift me up. Help me not to fret over Joyce’s visit but to
trust You to give us health and strength for that time. I need You so much. I
praise You and rejoice in You. Let Your light shine in me. Use me to bless Your
people.
The
days are long and slow. I want to be used every day to feel Your presence and
approval. I haven’t put out the effort to seek You as much lately but my heart
longs for You and Your presence. Help me be in Your Word more Lord.
Thank
you Lord for a much better day. Jenny was feeling so much better although she
still looks terrible. We will keep her home the rest of the week so she can get
her strength back.
Jose
(our bird) was real sick this morning and I thought we might lose him. Thank
you for touching him too – that he is back to his crazy self. Jenny said I was
more worried about him than her!
Therapy
went well. Andy left my arms and back alone and worked on my walking. In the
mirror I could see how awkward my walking is. The parallel bars have helped me
walk more naturally. I am doing much better with walking. It has been hard to
realize that I have a problem. My legs are real tired tonight. My arms are better
but still touch. I ate a lot of junk today. I must do better. I am really
getting flabby and out of shape ever though my weight is low.
I
haven’t been with You much today. Seems I get busy, then tired. I miss my
special times with You. But I have felt lighter in my spirit. I know You are
helping me. I can laugh and have fun with my family.
We
had a nice dinner with Hal and Evelyn at Reuben’s since Seacliff was closed. I
had red snapper and it was so good. Poor Jenny was a mess when we got home. I
thank You so much for touching her. Help me draw near to You. Teach me how to
abide – not only when I’m in a crisis but on the long, boring days when nothing
is happening, on the disappointing days and on the busy days. Make me a light
to everyone who comes here. Help me bless those who are helping me so
much. I love you Lord.
Oh
Lord, I am struggling again. I can hardly keep up the fight. I feel so
dependent and burdensome. I don’t want to take advantage. Please keep me from
being a burden to friends like Skip and Jackie. They have done so much – I
don’t want to expect too much. Help me to be careful to pay them for postage,
etc. as they have taken care of things for me. Skip will take me to the dentist
Tuesday if all goes well. Maybe I should have waited until after Joyce. But I
know Jim is so pressured and hating to take time off.
He
had such a bad morning this morning. I feel like such a failure to meet his
needs. Please help us physically Lord. Please help me to accept where I’m at now.
Sometimes I fell like things will never be right again. I’m tired of hurting
and having to work so hard to keep the victory. You have given me many precious
keys spiritually but today I am hurting too much inside. That doesn’t mean I’ve
lost any of what You’ve given me. Help me make the right choices today – not to
say yes to the enemy’s offer of self pity and despair when You offer joy and
hope. I receive Your joy and hope by faith and praise You that I can rejoice
through this.
Help
me not to think negative about myself and needing help. I want to be a light to
those who help me that they would be enriched by Your Spirit. Sometimes I think
I am fooling myself to expect to get through therapy successfully. Help me take
one day at a time and to be encouraged by each small step. Please comfort me today. I feel so heavy
hearted. I know it is OK – that You are with me and will bring more
enlightenment to me as I go through these difficult times.
Your
promises for today: “Though I have afflicted thee, I will afflict thee no
more.” (Nah. 1:12)
“Be
patient O sufferer. The result will more than compensate for all our trials
when we see how they wrought out the far more exceeding and eternal weight of
glory. To have one word of God’s commendations; to be honored before the holy
angels; to be glorified in Christ, so as to be better able to flash His glory
on Himself – oh, that will more than repay for all.” From Tried by Fire
Today
I did a load of wash, washed the kitchen floor and did breakfast dishes. I had
to rest for hours but I came out OK. It is time to start taking on
responsibility. Help me pace it right. My legs are so much better but my arms
are very touchy – spastic by night. Morning spasticity is somewhat increased
again. I feel much better but have constant reminders that I still have a long
road ahead.
I
have been numb in my spirit lately and giving in to my emotions. Thanks that
Jim had a good birthday. But Monday was crummy – we are all so unsettled. I
have not interceded – I have really let go. Help me Lord.
I
feel so frustrated and alone, trying to grab the life that is within my reach
and slipping back – unsettled in my spirit. I want Your peace but I’m holding
on to my ways. Oh, how can I let go in this place? I don’t want people doing
everything anymore. I can do it – maybe slowly and in stages but I can. I want
so much to be useful again – in any way. These days have been so futile
and negative. I feel like I have NOTHING to look forward to and nothing to
give. Help me be transparent – not to try to cover up. My heart is breaking – I
have no strength to follow after the spirit. I want back my talents and
abilities.
Forgive
me Lord. I know I am not yet fully yielded to You. There is so much of self. I
want to be willing to be in the background – but to please You. Help me to have
my eyes off of men and what they think of me. Give me a pure heart. Show me the
way to live in the spirit by faith – when things are dry – that I would not
come to You only to be blessed but to bless You out of a faithful heart of
love.
Happy
birthday Mom! Thanks for the nice talk with the folks and for a really nice day
Sunday with Jim and the kids. Thanks for showing me that it is all right to
grieve. Help me be positive now – not to hold on to negative views of my
condition. Let the grieving have it’s healing in my emotions.
Thanks
for the nice walk with Skip Thursday. - for the birds and flowers and the
sharing time with Jackie. They are such wonderful friends.
Therapy
was good Friday but I realized my goals and Cindy’s are different. I want and
expect to get around again without the wheel chair. I think not. I can’t really
believe that – I feel almost ready now. I trust You Lord.
My
arms are bad. I really need to adjust to the ever-changing problems. I am
struggling with what I can and can’t do. I just want to be free and at peace. I
don’t want to be a burden. Show me how to live Lord. Help me formulate my
thoughts to minister to others who are suffering. You have helped me so much. I
want to learn to accept my own reactions and emotions while allowing You to
help me grow. Thank You that You are not as hard on me as I am. I love You
Lord.
I
want to get back to writing more regularly and writing to people like Debbie.
Give me strength to do that Lord. Help me keep things in the proper
perspective. Thanks for the call with Evelyn and Shannon today. Bless them.
Bless my walk with
2
Corinthians 4 is such a blessing once again. Lord it is so true for me. I love
verses 16-18. The Amplified Bible is especially precious.
“Therefore,
I do not become discouraged – utterly spiritless, exhausted and wearied
out thru fear (I know how awful that is). Though my outer man is progressively
decaying and wasting away, yet my inner self is being progressively renewed
day after day. For my light, momentary affliction (this slight
distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing
and producing and achieving for me an everlasting weight of
glory – beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons
and all calculations a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to
cease! Since I consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the
things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and
fleeting) but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.” Thank you Lord.
I
again claim the verses You gave me from Philippians 1:19,20.
“Yes,
and I shall rejoice [hereafter] also. For I am well assured and indeed know
that through your prayers and a bountiful supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,
my Messiah, this will turn out for my preservation [for the spiritual health
and welfare of my own soul and avail toward the saving work of the Gospel].
This is in keeping with my own eager desire and persistent expectation and hope
that I shall not disgrace myself nor be put to shame in anything; but
that with the utmost freedom of speech and unfailing courage, now as
always hereafter Christ the Messiah will be magnified and get glory and
praise in this body of mine and be boldly exalted in my person whether
through life or through death.”
Thank
you for this beautiful day Lord. Jim took me to Penneys and I bought an all
weather coat with some of my Guidepost money. I walked to the car on the sloped
sidewalk! I walked from the car to the mall entrance! I walked into Pizza Hut
for lunch and left the wheelchair in the car and I walked to the house from the
car!
I
wrote to Debbie, wrote a rough draft of our donor letter and can still write
this in my journal – PTL! I am enjoying a good day but not depending on it to
always be this way. I do have increased hope of getting much better though in
spite of all Cindy and the MS books say. It is all in Your Hands Lord and I
know You will bless me no matter what happens.
David
rode his bike to school today for the first time. I am anxious to see how he
does coming home. Thanks for a good day Lord.
I
certainly haven’t kept this journal up very well. I got out of the habit when
my arm was so bad. Help me get back to writing regularly Lord for then I can
see and document all You are doing in my life.
Cleanse me of evil and impure thoughts and actions. I really fell into willful sin today that way – Lord help me not to be so weak but to really take on Yo